Does anyone reading any of this wonder what it's like to be a parent and, then, not be a parent? Our 19 year old son is in the desert outside of Tucson learning how to be safe and alive in the wilderness. I'm so glad he's alive and thriving; I could not imagine what it would be like to lose a child, to have him go before me.
I miss him, my not so little guy. We all miss him; there's a sense of grieving in the house even though he spent very little time with us: he slept until 12 or 2pm most days. And, then, he'd head off to the rock climbing gym where he would work on his skills and strength and compare himself to some of the other climbers -- girls who had ripped six-packs that far exceeded his. I chuckle just writing about this right now.
I wonder what my life, my relationship with him is going to be like now. I mean, when he gets back in May. Will I be more appreciative of his gifts and his eccentricities? Or, will I still be annoyed with what an arrogant SOB he is/might be? I guess that's for me to find out.
When he came into my life nineteen years ago, I was given a wonderful opportunity to learn how to be a better human being. A good dad, of course. But, I'd have to learn -- and be motivated -- to be a better human if I wanted to be a better dad. I'd have to let go of some of my crap, my illusions, my fears. All the stuff I was attached to that, somehow, made my life important but was meaningless. And, potentially, quite destructive.
I've made some progress. Not enough but some. And, I have more time: I have until...tomorrow. 'Cause I ain't got no guarantees beyond that. I don't even
have that.
No comments:
Post a Comment